Wednesday, August 27, 2008

...welcome...

Years ago...many years ago, I used to send out a Quote of the Day to a pretty big list of friends and acquaintances and along with it I'd typically add some commentary which would range from musings on the big life questions or just timely observations based on incidental occurences in my every day...


I've been thinking about those days a lot lately and I've been really missing the time I used to spend in constructing those thoughts, sometimes motivated by a quote, sometimes motivated by an event which would enable me to connect with my like minded souls out "there"...


So, I've decided to start again via a slightly different medium this time and while I may not be able to commit to writing each and every day, I'll try to be as frequent as I can...with a full-time career, a loving and supportive husband, a mini-me 16 year old daughter and almost four year old twin boys, that may be more difficult than I'm anticipating, but I'm willing to try...


I was one of those keener geeky kids right from the get go...yes, I used to program Commodore 64s in the Gifted Program in elementary school, I was using email in 1994 and for being in IT and Telecom for the last 10 years it does somewhat surprise me that I've never really availed myself to the realm of blogging, especially since I always fancied myself a writer (can you really fancy yourself a writer though when you've rarely written anything in the last number of years besides the odd short story or commentary or Notes on FB??)... nonetheless, whenever I go back and read some of my musings from (WOW!!) ten years ago I realize that I still enjoy reading what I had written then and more times than not the people that were included in my list responded positively to what I was sharing as well, so it couldn't have been that bad...


WARNING TO THE READER: I am honest to a fault at times. I most certainly share too much information at times too. I was reading a book a couple of years ago on ADHD in women and while that characteristic of one's personality can sometimes lead to one being diagnosed, for me it's really more about sharing to survive...that's the way it's always been for me...


So, in an attempt to keep my ego in check, I'm actively accepting the fact that you may not care one way or another about what I have to say or what I have to share...in that sense, this blog is more for me than for anyone else. This is me being self-full and sharing because I've always needed to and now I've found the the strength to be really open...if you find some affinity or some commonality, or if I bring a smile to your face or a tear to your eye, then great...and if I piss you off, ...also great!!!...I've never been one to shirk away from a bit o' controversy and intellectual dialogue...what I will avoid all together though is flaming, name calling, finger pointing et al...it's just not my gig...


So, why Siddhartha's Daughter?...


About 25 years ago or so, I clearly remember my father and I driving eastbound together along Sheppard Avenue in Toronto. I think it may have been around the time that my parents were separated briefly so I may have been around 12 or so...which also means that we were probably having a pretty open and direct conversation about his and my mother's relationship...


My father was more or less my friend growing up; not so much an authority figure, but someone that I could hang out with and spend time with or watch sports with (I was the son my father never had in some ways) and once in a while he would drop these prophetic, hugely impacting little zingers in my lap, usually to be realized well after the fact...


In his typically non-chalant fashion, my father turned to me and said, "you know Karen, there's this book called Siddhartha and I think you'd really like it"...


It was many, many years later that I was hanging out at Book City in the Annex and I saw this little blue covered book and I recalled my father mentioning its title to me, so I picked it up...and quite simply, it changed my life...


Siddhartha is one of the most beautifully written stories I've ever read. Hermann Hesse, in my humble opinion, was one of the most lyrical, astute and insightful writers of the last century. His simple story of one man's journey towards the discovery of himself left me speechless and touched me on many levels. I had no idea then how influential or resonant the book would really be in my life.


It was years after I had first read Siddhartha when I started to really investigate and explore Buddhism. At the time I was in a relationship with someone who was the perfect Buddhist muse; he was shallow, self-serving, narcissistic, manipulative and emotionally immature (did I mention that he was also an actor...?!). I don't say these things to be cruel, for I truly hope for his sake that he's changed since. Throughout my relationship him, I challenged myself to be as altruistic as I could be. How much of myself could I give for the development of someone else's soul? How much of my ego could I put aside for the betterment of someone else's life and personal growth?


The answer, at the time, seemed to be ...quite a lot actually...


Unfortunately, or fortunately (however you may look at it and I've looked at it from both perspectives over time) I'm not a Buddhist nun and the reality is that I had my own growing and discovery to go through and was certainly not in any position to be "all that" for someone else without totally losing myself in the process. Another reality is that there are people that will use you and abuse the gifts that you give them; the abuse of my gifts was something that I was not emotionally able to handle well and it has literally taken me over a decade for me to forgive myself for allowing myself to be so poorly treated and to heal the emotional wounds left behind...but I'm working on it...actively...hence, Siddhartha's Daughter...


I relate it to being much like when there's a rock 'n roll, fashion, writing or film icon, and then their offspring participate in the same mediums as them...the parental influence is obviously there, but there's not usually a ton of pressure on the children to be as iconic as their parents...which is great, because as you'll clearly see if you care to come along and join me in some discovery and observations that I ain't got nuthin' on Buddha...

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

On the right path...

Originally posted on FB via Notes in August 2008...

I’ve had a lot of inquiries as to where I went in the beginning of July 2008 and a number of people have been asking me specifically about my experience at the Ontario Vipassana Centre, so I’ve decided to write this note to share with everyone via FB. I am simply going to share MY experience here and I do not intend to debate any of the issues (if any) that I bring up or share…I am simply…sharing…so, that’s my caveat…

Also, if you've been tagged in this note on FB, it's because you've either asked me directly about the course, have shared time at the course and (while I believe that truly every single soul would benefit from this course) there are friends of mine via FB that I believe would appreciate the course as well...

A number of months ago, my best friend Johanna told me about this place where she was going to meditate for ten days. Her brother Tor had already been through the experience and because of his feedback she was going to go as well. All I knew was that it was up north (relatively speaking) and that it was “free”..well, much like everyone else, that made me skeptical enough, but as I am with all of my friends (or in the least I try my best to be) I was open to being open and waited to hear about her experience before passing too much judgment…

When Joh returned, she shared with me that the course was undoubtedly one of the most difficult things both she and Tor had ever done, but that it was also an incredibly beautiful experience. For being as verbose and chatty as I am (there IS a reason she’s my best friend), she surprised me by not sharing a ton of detail about her practical experience or how her day by day actually went. I didn’t press her on this and I was to realize later that there was a reason for her ambiguity. I will be honouring that herein…

After visiting their website, (www.torana.dhamma.org) and reviewing the tenets of the practice and their Code of Conduct, I discussed the opportunity with my husband as he was going to be the one that had to carry the entire load of our every day at home. I am exceptionally blessed to have such a loving and supportive partner in my life and therefore I signed up on their website. The opportunity to remove myself from my every day stressors reminded me of a TV show that ran for two years and was cancelled last year titled “Starting Over”; the premise of which was a residence in LA that housed up to 6 women at a time who were given access to life coaches and therapists and were given an opportunity to work on their lives and “fix” their major issues through individual therapy, group sessions and specifically designed exercises. When I was experiencing some pretty tangible post-partum depression after my twin boys were born, I spoke to my husband about going to a place like that and since “that place” didn’t exist anymore (as far as I knew) the Vipassana Centre sounded like the next best thing…

I’ve been remiss in the days since I originally signed up, referring to the ten days as a “retreat”…because it’s no such animal…it’s a course…it’s a lot of work as I was to eventually find out.

As the day to leave neared, I was experiencing a ton of anxiety. When you read through the Code of Conduct you need to accept that there is no contact with the outside world for ten days…no books or reading materials, no radios or music, no journals or notebooks for writing… and no speaking or communicating for ten days…

Most would think that my anxiety was due to the not communicating, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Most people who heard that I wasn't going to be speaking for ten days responded with “YOU'RE not going to speak for ten days??...good luck!! hahahaa!!”…I understood that response, however internally, I resented it… (learning to let go of that)...I work from home mostly and spend many days in total silence and when you live in Stratford and commute to Toronto either by train or by car, there are umpteen further hours of solitude that add up in a month. Silence in one’s day is something that I relish more times than not…but of course, most wouldn’t guess that from the speed at which I generally speak on any given day (and that’s a different insight)…

My anxiety was predominantly driven by the idea of being away from my children, especially the boys because they’re so young. I feared being forgotten or shunned by them when I returned…it’s amazing what insecurities the mind can stir up. Regarding Rae, in being totally honest I thought that being away from each other for a little while would actually be really good for us...she's 16, we cycle at the same time...do I need to elaborate??...

So, while I was tangibly anxious when I thought about actually following through and attending the course, I also looked at this as an opportunity in my life to do something that was outside of my norm and my comfort zone and really challenge myself. I may be frightened by something, but I’ve rarely actually backed away from that something. So, I took the final step and then booked my vacation time from work.

As the day approached, my anxiety was more and more palpable and I wasn’t handling it very well at home. There were other “issues” arising both at work and at home (when are there not?) and more than a few times, I started quietly leaning towards the option to just cancel and bail. As I mentioned before though, I’m not one to back away from a challenge or a fight too often.

Tangent Alert: (‘cuz you should all know I’m pretty good with tangents)…So, as the day drew closer my husband kept encouraging (read: nagging) me to make an appointment for laser acupuncture to quit smoking. I was resisting (passively mostly) even though my father had done the treatment six weeks prior and had stated that “it was like smoking was never a part of my life”. After 26 years of smoking I was again skeptical (to say the least) that laser acupuncture could lessen the cravings and the desire I had in me to smoke…AND I WAS SOOOO WRONG!!! I owe my cousin Kathy a huge thank you for putting this side of the Schulman clan wise to the procedure and to my husband a HUGE debt of gratitude and another HUGE apology for resenting and resisting his attempts to lessen my burden while at the Vipassana Centre course. His rationale to me was “Karen, give yourself a fighting chance and don’t spend ten days there battling cravings”…and he was SO right! Victor, I’m so sorry that I resented your intentions and I thank you for your diligence (just like you promised on our wedding day). As I’ve shared before via FB, I am a standing testament to the fact that laser acupuncture completely worked for my cousin, my father and for me with regards to smoking cessation. I haven’t smoked or have had any physical cravings since my session on June 29th, 2008. It may sound like it’s early days yet, and it is, however I have no desire to smoke…not through an evening of pints, not through a 2 ½ hour drive on the 401 in the midst of commuter traffic and collision slowdowns, not first thing in the morning…the monster cravings are just not there. In fact, the smell of smoking really puts me off now. No fear of me turning into a non-smoking nazi, but if I mention it to you or encourage you to investigate, I'm just coming from a place of liberation and freedom and hoping to share that with others (there's a theme here...hold on)...last note on this is that I also had the weight management points included in the laser acupuncture session and after six weeks of not smoking, I've not gained any weight...some say it's mind over matter...I don't think it's that simple. There's a reason acupuncture has been around for 5000 years....

Back to the course...so I quit smoking on the Sunday and over the next three days, due to my anxieties et al I have a couple of small meltdowns ("small" of course would be relative, depending on if you were me or my family members) before I was packed, prepped and ready to leave early Wednesday afternoon. Honestly, I wasn't sure if my family was sad or happy that I was going for ten days (probably the latter if I'm being honest, or relieved to say that least to have some reprieve from my heightened sense of everything). I had my Google map ready to roll and I was off for an almost 2 ½ hour drive to Egbert, Ontario. I've done the same drive a few times over the last couple of years heading up to Collingwood for work and mini-vacations with my husband, so I was somewhat familiar with my route and my surroundings. I do love driving through the countryside and if ever given the option will always choose to avoid major highway systems. I had a giggle out loud driving by Super Burger (pronounced "Soooper Berger" by the SD clan) which was a familiar landmark for my family whenever we drove from T.O. to Wiarton and pretty much settled into a state of palpable melancholy as I neared my destination. The unknown can be a very unsettling place.

My Google map was bang on and when I arrived at the Ontario Vipassana Centre I stopped at the front gate, met Josephine, gave her my name and then drove my car around to the women's residence so I could take my luggage into my assigned room. As we were to find out during the welcome meeting, the genders are totally segregated throughout the course, saving of course for the introduction and welcome to the Centre on the first evening and the last day. There are separate residences, separate walking areas and separate dining rooms; the only space that is shared is the Meditation Hall and the genders are still segregated there. So, I took my things to my room, returned my car to the parking lot where it was not to be seen or visited for the next ten days, returned to my room, unpacked and then headed to the dining hall to register, have a cuppa and hand over any valuables that I wanted secured.

That's where I first met Natalie, the female manager for the course; easily the hardest working woman that I encountered at the Centre. She's a lovely, soft spoken woman that was to become my only source of communication at the Centre for the next ten days, except for the five to ten minutes you could book with the teacher (between noon and one o'clock each day) to discuss either your practice or the philosophical aspects of the Vipassana practice. One thing that is pretty spectacular about the whole experience at the Centre is that everyone that works at the Centre is there on a total volunteer basis. In fact, the entire Centre is run on the premise of service and donation, known as Dāna (generosity, donation). One of the reasons that the Centre runs on the premise of donation and service is that if you're paying for your time there, then you come to the Centre with expectations and demands, which is wholly against the tenet of the practice of Vipassana. I was to find out later that Natalie is working at the Centre from May to October this year. That's an incredible amount of work and I am humbled by her commitment as well as the other servers that made our stay comfortable and so rewarding.

The women's residence is a really lovely building. My bedroom was small and clean with a comfortable bed, warm and clean bedding, a small shelving unit to hold my personal items, a chair and a small bedside shelf with a lamp. My bedroom was private and I shared a bathroom with another student. (I can get a little OCD when I'm outside of my comfort zone and I kept repeating the name of the manufacturer of the half-flush/full-flush toilet in my head, day after day...caroma, caroma, caroma...) I can easily relate that sharing my living space with the woman that I did was unequivocally at the time my greatest misfortune, however in hindsight she was also my greatest blessing. When I've shared this with people they often retort with, "you weren't speaking for ten days, how could you have issues with someone?"...well, I may get lambasted for saying this out loud, but there are a ton of subtle passively aggressive actions that women can execute and that other women can pick up on. She executed them. I picked up on them...and I wasn't the only one...

I've got nuthin' on Buddha, that's for sure. Although essentially throughout the course you're living nun-like (or monk-like) for ten days, I have since readily accepted the fact that I'm indeed no nun, and it's not likely that I will ever be. One of the many things that I learned though this course was to accept my foibles and my flaws and learn to love myself with all of these things as a part of me. I am doing that, or rather I am working on that. That was really the impetus to me attending this course.

Many people who have observed me would say that I am or have been angry, but the reality is I've been hurting for a long time. I went to the course because I really just wanted to give myself a chance to love myself again and appreciate my life more actively; be more present and be more aware. I went because I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better sister and daughter and friend and colleague. A happy, lighter me. Actually, the truer me. The real me; effusive and soft and wanting the world to be a better, kindler, gentler place without being scared of being vulnerable and possibly hurt or taken advantage of anymore. That's the real truth. That's my truth. I live feeling a lot of grace and the time has come for me to show that more actively.

So, to continue with my experience with my challenging roommate (who one of my fellow students referred to as SexiYogi which will forever be my moniker for her now), not only did I share my living quarters with her, but I sat right beside her in the Meditation Hall as well. I felt I had no reprieve from this woman. My reaction to her was that she was incredibly ungracious to "live" beside. I recognized right away that that was me judging her. I accept that that was how I was feeling at that moment in time and those feelings and reactions existed in me for a reason, or rather many reasons. She was an affront to me on many levels. Because there is no communicating between students, she had Natalie speak to me about being more mindful of closing doors on the second day. I thought I was being mindful, so initially I was a bit affronted but then I quickly thought "okay, perhaps I'm not as mindful as I thought..." so I made a point of being more aware (which of course is the whole point of the course). Then, later that same day SexiYogi literally slammed the door to her room twice (my gut reaction??...shockingly it was "alrighty bitch, bring it on you hypocrite!", a total affront to my sense of "justice").

Then things started to compound for me; SexiYogi would leave the fan running and the bathroom door wide open during meditation hours and in that utter silence it sounded more like a not too distant airplane's engine by day three. We were asked to specifically not bring any perfumed items to the Centre, yet she had her little collection of Rosemary and Mint scrubs and lotions from Aveda (I kept thinking, "how come SHE gets HER lovely smelling items when I'm using the least smelling Dove items I could find?!"). Living up to her monker, it seemed as though she would pose at every opportunity; small, very purposeful strides when she walked, doing the Yoga prayer hands entering the Meditation Hall and doing the deep Yoga cleansing breathing at the beginning of each group session (we are explictly guided to not mix practices or rituals of any type). And she was pretty much ALWAYS the last person in the Hall so that we all had to wait for her to sit before the Discourse (more on that later) or the guidance from the teacher would begin. She would wait outside and then stretch on the picnic table in direct eyeline of the men before entering the hall at every break (we sat as a group three times a day at least). I felt that she was just that...a poser. She also reminded me of someone from my past in the worst of ways, so that wasn't helping me in being gracious in response to her at all! On the rare occasion that she entered the Meditation Hall on time with everyone else, she would hold onto the handle of the entrance to the Meditation room from the foyer while taking her shoes off, ensuring that no one could move until she was done and ready to move herself.

I also witnessed other women responding to her much the same way I was silently lamenting her. Again, because each student is supposed to be practicing as if we're in isolation, it is accepted that there is no direct eye contact and that when you pass another student, you reverently look away or at the ground so as to not challenge anyone directly. Difficult when you're sharing an eating and sleeping space with almost 30 women, but not impossible. A number of times I witnessed her walking by someone and staring at their faces the entire time it took her to pass them. Once as I was walking behind another woman on the path leading to the Meditation Hall I watched as SexiYogi continually stared at the woman and then I almost laughed out loud when that same woman that she had just passed spoke silently to herself with her hands, raising them up a couple of times as if silently asking, "WTF?"...It was reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one...strength in numbers, and no one likes to feel like they're the only one...

The last straw for me was SexiYogi's absolute disregard for anyone else's space, particularly my own. Not only is there no speaking during the course's ten days, but there is NO physical contact whatsoever. So, when you're moving in and out of rooms or buildings, working your way around the meals tables, you have to be very aware of where people are around you without looking them in the face directly and manage what you need while respecting the space of others. Many times in the Meditation Hall she would whap me with her blanket when I was already in meditation or when I had my legs stretched out in front of me (because of my knees and my one real lament the whole course) she would stretch out and rest her feet on mine and then not move them...at all...

Oh yes, she hit every trigger, every front I have. Internally, for days I was SCREAMING!! AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!...No reprieve, no reprieve...so much so that one day I actually went to the teacher, distraught, in tears, struggling with my anxiety and missing my family and feeling so scared and isolated and I asked to me moved...of course, I wasn't. I knew she was my challenge and I voiced that to my Assistant Teacher, Marsha. She agreed with me and so my struggle continued. Dammit!! :)

So, I felt abused and attacked at almost every turn. I felt that I had no safety net and some days I was able to manage her as my distraction and some days I just wallowed in it/her. I was really happy to share this frustration with my dear new friend at the Centre on the last day and I was relieved to know that I wasn't the only student that had a hard time showing Mettā (compassion, love) towards this woman. There is a relief in knowing it's not "just me", juvenille I know, but right or wrong, that's how I felt....and still do (in being truthful). I will say that once I had the opportunity to interact with this woman (as we do on the last day of the course), unfortunately my notions of her while silent were validated and it did actually show me that she was someone that I have no desire to know and keep in touch with in this lifetime. Happily, I was very wrong about many, many other things.

I know that these incidents regarding SexiYogi in isolation all sound petty and trite...and they were...but my experience "with" her taught me so very much in such a short time.

"They" say that of course, whatever you're reacting to in someone else is reflective of what you hate about yourself the most. Truth. I can readily see now that I felt her actions were on some level bullying, manipulative and attention seeking. Ouch. There I am. There I have been. I'm working on not so much of that anymore...no matter what the rationale. No one is anything 100% of the time and I'm working on just being the better edition of me most of the time...

Further, as I noted earlier, this part of my experience was one of the great blessings of my time away. SexiYogi and all the anger, frustration, torment, injustices, pettiness and tears that she brought out in me was a big, huge, honkin' mirror for me...look at how much energy I wasted on her!! It was of course during the last day that I had one of my true moments of absolute clarity...look at how much energy I waste on other such pettiness in my every day...look, look!! Awareness....

The frustrations of living with my "fastidious" husband or my challenging daughter (who is one of my biggest mirrors), the petty politics at work, the bitchy woman on the train or the arsehole on the 401...while it's about me, it has nothing to do with me either. It's about how much I personalize other people's actions and how absolutely narcissistic I am thinking that I am the cause or focus or the point for so many other people. The reality is for them it's not about me...yet for me, it's about how I choose to respond...how I choose to react. In that sense, it's ALL about me.

...glaring, shining, blessed mirror and blessed light...

Expectations: I was in part looking to the Centre to be a haven for me. A place where I could go and be safe and be vulnerable and examine the depths of me uninterrupted (a huge commitment from me and my family to be away from them and have my husband totally on duty for those ten days). That supportive environment that I was seeking is called Sangha, a spiritual community. The universe had another way of showing me the way though, obviously! Again, I had gone to the Centre with expectations and my interactions with SexiYogi were interfering with those expectations being met (or so I thought at the time).

Awareness: I was being narcissistic and feeling at one point or another that they owed it to me to protect me, do for me, manage my angst for me...gawd, I can really laugh at myself now and in all fairness I did pick up on the ridiculousness of that thought pattern pretty quickly when I was there too. The Centre is not "Starting Over". The people there are no one's personal support staff. They are voluntarily trying to manage the needs of almost 60 fragile and tender souls and my ego was driving the better part of my anger, frustration and distraction for many days. Not so much different from what I have been experiencing in the outside world for some time now.

Before I go on here, I will share that are a couple of particular days that are very hard during this course. While I would meet with my Assistant Teacher and share with her my experiences and question her about my practice, her response for the first few days was "okay, okay, you're a little ahead...good, good, be present and listen to the Discourse tonight [which happened every evening at 7pm, or whenever SexiYogi decided to show up] for direction from S N Goenka [the teacher that we listened to each night at Discourse via DVD and audio recordings]" which of course satisfied the keener in me regarding performance and acknowledgement. There also were days where Goenka had the answers for the questions and skepticism that was running rampant through my head before I could even really articulate them. Some days, the days that I really struggled, the days that I cried and felt utter despair and spent hours just holding my five year old self in my mind's eye, those days I was pretty much on track with the rest of the world that has practiced or experienced this over the last 2500 years. I'm not going to share which days those are with you here, let's just say I was pretty typical those days. I don't want to set any expectations beyond what I have already.

I don't want to share too much about the actual practice of meditating for 11 hours a day (really, 11 hours a day!!) namely because it's such a personal, individual experience. What I will share is this; Vipassana is about being aware...aware of your breath, aware of the mind-body connection, aware of the poison in your mind, aware of how much time we all spend reliving the past, anticipating a non-existent future versus being 100% present in our every day.

I also now understand why it's necessary to surrender to the process and completely immerse yourself in silence for 10 days. Every culture, every time period has writers that have captured the idea of being aware and being present; those that have written and shared regarding the experience of accepting change as the norm...

It has been my experience (and it's one of the fundamental messages of Vipassana) that there is an absolute difference between intellectually understanding the tenets of the practice versus actually immersing oneself in the practice...going quiet and hearing and experiencing on the experiential level. There is no comparison and no alternate as far as I see it. For years I have the read the books, gotten the quotes to my inbox every day, agreed with the ideas and the ideals, but I haven't had the toolset needed to actually implement the change that I've been seeking for so long.

I believe that I now have that toolset.

I learned so many, many things from my time at the Centre and from my interactions with the other students. Where do I start??

I learned that I can indeed sit entirely still (except for the coughing...I did just quit smoking) for an hour or more...

I learned that I can train my body to pee every hour on the hour...

I learned that I can quiet my mind...briefly...but I can...

I learned that I am a non-smoker finally after 26 years...

I learned that I love being healthy and physically active (as I walked five to six kilometers every day after breakfast)...

I learned that there's nothing wrong with going to bed at 9:30 (especially when you've been up since 4 a.m.)...

I learned that there's a ton of information that can be communicated without uttering a sound...

I learned that I walk around with a TON of preconceived notions that are usually wrong...

I learned that I waste an exorbinant amount of energy anticipating things, bad things, horrible things, sad things that actually never come to fruition...

I learned that I have wasted an exorbinant amount of energy on people or incidents that are insignificant and have no real bearing on my happiness...

I learned that I have spent a lot of my time, too much of my time, not wallowing but reliving the distant and near past over and over and over and over and over again...

I learned that I am so incredibly, to the depths of my soul in love with my husband and that I really did make the right choice almost seven years ago now...(regardless of the peaks and valleys that we often find ourselves in)...

I learned to accept that I am sensitive and fragile...and terrified of being vulnerable...

I learned that I really am brave....

I learned that I judge people entirely too much...myself most especially...

I learned that I am really loved...

I learned that I am natually compassionate...

I learned that I have spent my life driven by one very powerful four letter word that begins with F and it's not Fuck...(...Fear folks, Fear...)

I learned that I'm no longer a reluctant athiest...while I'll never accept the Judeo-Christian definition of "God", I do believe that we are all absolutely connected...call it karma or kizmet, there is something greater than the self...

I learned that the feeling I get from imbibing on intoxicants is in pursuit of a freedom and a liberation to be effusive, loving, sweet and accepting...now I can be those things without having to be high or loaded as my excuse; I just have to continue to be brave enough to be vulnerable enough...

I learned that Metta day is one of the most important elements of the whole experience and that without it, the impact would not have been as enlightening as it has been since my days there...

I learned that I and just about every single human being on this earth reacts to the world that surrounds us through a veil of fear...fear of rejection, fear of not being liked/loved...fear, fear...

So, did I learn all of these things or did I accept them finally because I've always known them?...unequivocally...bo
th...

We all know our own truths. We all have our own answers...that's what I believe anyway.

So, where am I now?

I am FAR more aware than I have ever been. I have realized that the Vipassana practice really compliments the cognitive therapy that I went through years ago...the difference is that rather than "trying" to remember to breathe, I actually find myself breathing a lot easier and much sooner than ever before...

I do have periodic internal struggles with those around me not being as "aware" as I am...not from a judgment point of view, but from a practical point of view. It's hard to impart the learnings and the lessons I have realized without the practical understanding being there as well...

I am less afraid.

I am more accepting of aniccā...impermanence...change...

I am less angry.

I am quicker to compassion.

I am a bit more patient (a bit...step by step)...

...and I am falling back in love with myself...little by little...

www.torana.dhamma.org